90210-Episode 5 Summary

Catwalk of Broken Dreams

This week opens during the Adrianna witch hunt. She and her mother are cornered in the principal's office while Dad, Kelly Taylor, Brenda Walsh, and Mr. Matthews (Why?) interrogate her on her drug use. She claims it was only cough medicine, while also belittling Brenda by saying she hopes she isn't like her when she grows up. Well played.

In the meantime, Annie is a superstar. Everyone claps for her in the hallway, and some claim it's the greatest acting performance they've ever seen. If I was even in a play in high school, those claps would have been replaced with hard punches to my skull, and everyone would have avoided me as if I had the ebola virus. These are different times indeed.

While prepping for the Pacific Coast Fashion Show, Mom's boss declares that his #2 photographer is out. What a tragic loss. Photography is so difficult. Oooh, you have to get the angles right. And proper lighting is a must. No. Anyone that can physically hold a camera can do the same job as a professional. Mom will do just fine, thank you. And of, course, she shoots perfect proofs, so looks like she's hired.

Creepy friend inexplicably starts complaining when Dixon and Silver make out on a bench. Then threatens Dixon violently. Why is anyone friends with this guy?

Mr. Matthews walks into the school with Brenda and Kelly. He is walking awkwardly with his hand in his pocket. Then Dylan calls Brenda, presumably while hunting for orphans to save in Wyoming, and Mr. Matthews starts asking inappropriate questions. There is so much I hate about him that I could devote a whole blog to it. Thankfully, my hatred of him is perfectly balanced by my undying love for Adrianna. Let's move on.

We can't. After the commercial break, we witness Mr. Matthews' class in session. Adrianna raises her hand to ask a question about the assignment, and he embarrasses her by saying "no, Adrianna. It can't be about you". And the class laughs. Why is this allowed? Teachers are supposed to be helpful, and are not there to belittle their students. I'm calling West Beverly first thing in the morning to report this. It's OK, Adrianna. Those pills will help you forget. 

By the way, the assignment is a 5 page paper researching any career that interests you. What subject is this? Mr. Matthews then forces Adrianna to work with Annie at the big Pacific Coast Fashion Show.

After forcing this unlikely duo to work together, Mr. Matthews sets his sights on creeping Kelly Taylor out again. He probes her about Dylan, tells her he will wait for her (again, they have been out once), and thankfully gets rejected.

Time for the fashion show! Everyone is there, including a "producer" of teen horror flicks that invites Annie to audition. Annie accepts, and also gets Adrianna an audition. Good for her.

Oh, my. Dylan and Kelly's son, Sammie has grown. He is 5 feet, 9 inches tall. Weighs 195 pounds, and has the hair of Gene Wilder. He is 5 years old.

Back to the fashion show- the following is actual dialog between Creepy friend and random hot models: Models- "Naveeb? You're Persian"? Creep- "uh, yep" Models- "...and cute. C'mon, let's go meet some friends". OK.

Attempting to make amends for last week's sex ruse, Adrianna apologizes to Annie. Unfortunately, Annie freaks out, and angrily runs off. Right into Mr. Matthews and Brenda, of course. She libels Adrianna further by claiming that she's "probably doing drugs". Adrianna walks up behind Annie and shoves her while saying "You little bitch". Awesome. I love you, Adrianna.

Now comes the best 90210 scene yet. One of the fashion show's producers, while attempting to coerce Silver into becoming a model, touches her hair. Dixon grabs him from behind, and tosses him aside. Producer then says "who is this thug"? Mom steps in to defend him, but when called a "Compton Kid", Dixon rears back and punches him in the face. That'll show him.

As we move toward next week, we learn Kelly Taylor is headed to Wyoming to see where Dylan takes her. I know-Heartbreak Lane.

And finally, Adrianna is seen getting into a truck with a stranger. A stranger with drugs. Me likey. Me likey a lot.

Warriors of Achievement-Harrison Beck

While I was hiding under the bleachers like a coward from the rain on Saturday night, there was a historic display going on down on the field below. What Harrison Beck accomplished that night was nothing short of heroic. We will never see anything like it again in our lifetime, and although I didn't see most of it from underneath the wet metal above me, I am proud to say I was there.

Beck's numbers only tell part of the story: 9-32 with 3 interceptions. The rest of the story is this: he is totally inept.

The 28% completion percentage is shocking enough, but the 3 interceptions on top of that are like icing on the cake of despair. Giving him the benefit of the doubt in assuming he thinks anyone on the field is a viable target, adding his interceptions to his completion total still yields a meager 38% completion percentage. Oh, he also rushed for -24 yards. He failed in every phase of the game.

I assumed his 3-8 for 47 yard, 1 interception performance against East Carolina was merely a mirage, but the numbers don't lie. I never thought I would say this, but Russell Wilson, please get well soon. We need you. We need your 39% completion percentage and your winning smile.

We need your ability to throw less than or equal to 2 interceptions per game. Only you can take State to the promised land of a 3-9 season.

So, thank you Harrison Beck. Thank you for taking me to places I've never been, and for showing me things I never thought possible. You are like my spiritual guide to the Land of Horrenditude.

Andy Bernard-A Character Study

Tonight marks the return of The Office, so I thought I would take a deeper look into one of the show's most underrated characters. This character is personally responsible for making me laugh more than anyone else on the show. I present to you, Andy Bernard....

Andy Bernard began life at Dunder Mifflin Stamford Branch, harassing Jim with his incessant singing, and dubbing him "Big Tuna".

After Stamford closed, he transferred with a couple of branch mates to Scranton, and the hilarity soon followed. Andy's juvenile antics make me both cringe and laugh at the same time. As his fellow transferees left one by one, Andy powered on. He is now, aside from Jim, the only Stamford holdout left. And he has added a great deal.

He graduated from Cornell, which he often uses to belittle and intimidate both friends and clients. His high falsetto singing voice can often be heard in both the office and his car. He enjoys frisbee golf (which he calls frolf), sucking up to the boss, dating high school students, and drinking at Benihana. His favorite drink is the Nog-a-sake, but as he says, "some places won't serve it because egg nog is seasonal".

However, he also has a hilarious dark side. After punching a wall in frustration over Jim and Pam's cell phone prank, he was forced to attend a 10 week anger management course. Thankfully, he "graduated" in 5 weeks due to his use of the "name repetition" and "personality mirroring" techniques he also used to gain Michael's favor.

He also coined the phrase "Schruted it" to describe any situation where someone messes up, to further belittle Dwight and move up the corporate ladder.

During the "Fun Run" episode, Andy Bernard really hit the mark. He placed bandages on his nipples to prevent chafing (didn't work), and ran directly behind Kevin to take advantage of drafting.

The hardest I've ever laughed, however, occurs twice in the episode where the construction crews take over the building's parking spaces. At the beginning of the meeting he called with Kevin, he addresses the building's other bosses by saying nervously "Andy Bernard....is the name of me". I found this hilarious for some reason. Also, later, while talking about his triumph in gaining the spaces back, his diatribe includes "I didn't do this for me. I did it for the little guy. Joe Six Pack. I did this for the guy who wakes up every morning wondering how he's going to pay his kid's orphanage bills". Great stuff.

Unaware of Angela's relationship with Dwight, Andy begins to woo her. He does this by first stealing "something made of ice" for a party planned by Angela, then finding a cat for her outside of the building. He also moonwalks past her desk several times to gain her attention. He tops this all off by proposing to her during Toby's farewell party. She says "OK", but is seen later hooking up with Dwight in the office.

Poor guy. Sounds like another bout of rage is on Andy's horizon.
Let's hope so, but I hope he doesn't get sent away again for it. The Scranton branch needs him. Dwight needs his comic foil. Big Tuna needs to be annoyed by him. We all need more Andy Bernard. I will leave you with another quote said by Andy to Michael. It sums him up perfectly:
"I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday. You, me, bar, beers, buzzed. Wings, shots, drunk! Waitresses - hot! Football, Cornell-Hofstra, slaughter! Then quick nap at my place, then we hit the tizzown".

90210-Episode 4 Summary

Orphans, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

Previously on 90210....We are shown the opening scene of the series for the 4th time. Palm trees. More palm trees. Why are we shown this every week? Anyway, we begin this week during more play rehearsals. Things are steaming up between Annie and Ty on stage. Looks like Annie is not only the lead of the chorus, she is also Adrianna's understudy. It appears our Adrianna has a drug problem. We last saw her in episode one, accepting a hollowed out book filled with colorful pills, which led to her life of crime. She is back, sort of.

After rehearsal, Annie and Ty start to make out backstage. Several hours later, Dad, Go Away Already, and Kelly Taylor randomly walk onto the stage, and discover them still making out. Somebody call Guinness, this has to have broken the record. This, of course disgusts Dad, so when Annie arrives home, Mom attempts to have a sex talk with her. Annie doesn't listen.

Adrianna, who is now my favorite human, stumbles onto the scene. Brenda Walsh tells her she is late, and wonders if everything is OK. Adrianna then rambles loudly about how much pressure she feels with all of her auditions and what-not. Her drug-addled eyes break my heart while her emotional solo performance on stage crushes my soul. In the meantime, we learn that Dixon is also an expert stage lighting guy, so he takes over after the lighting guy quits. Is there anything Dixon can't do? Act?

Brenda Walsh then calls a meeting with Kelly Taylor and Go Away Already. They are there to discuss Adrianna. They see her talent, yet fear she may be on drugs. Inexplicably, Brenda gets defensive when Kelly suggests they remove her from the play, even saying, "I don't need anyone's help with this". OK. Why did you call the meeting then? Thanks for wasting everyone's time.

Annie arrives at the play late because Dad is still bugging her about Ty. This is getting creepy.

Then comes the best scene of the season: Adrianna is totally wasted backstage, giggling uncontrollably, and saying she is "ready to rock". Unfortunately, Brenda ruins everything by kicking her out of the play, so Annie has to take over. C'mon, Brenda. She was ready to rock.

The play begins, and it is SPECTACULAR. I only wish they would have shown the whole play. I would buy the DVD. We are shown a few singing scenes, including an atrocious all-male dance number involving benches and orphan hats. Oddly, we are not shown the scene that they spent each of the last 3 episodes rehearsing. I hope they nailed it. Apparently, musicals about orphans having sex in the 1860's are quite popular in modern day Beverly Hills-the theater is packed.

Adrianna reappears at the back of the theater. My heart was racing in hopes she would stumble down onto the stage and ruin everything. If this had happened, my life would have been complete. Alas, it did not.

The musical ends, and the cast receives a well-deserved standing ovation. Annie is so overwhelmed with praise, she decides to have sex with Ty in real life. Dixon gives her the expired condom from his wallet, which she proceeds to drop when she inexplicably smashes into Ethan in the hallway. Awkward!!

Unfortunately, Adrianna has concocted a revenge scheme. She arrives at Ty's hotel room and tells him that Annie and Ethan were making out. When Annie arrives, Adrianna is wrapped in a towel with the shower on in the background. All signs point to her and Ty having sex, yet when Annie leaves, devastated, it is revealed that Ty is already gone. This was a very well thought out and devious plan by our girl Adrianna. Bravo, my drug addicted love. Bravo.

Will Annie recover from her broken heart? Will Ty discover Adrianna's lies? Will West Beverly stage another play about orphan life in the 19th century? Find out next week.

Trivia Question- Who is the first person that cares?

Yankee Stadium had it's last game last night. Great. This led to a never-ending ticker on the ESPN channels with the following: last basehit-so and so; final HR-Johnny Bland; final strikeout-Frank Dull. It also reminded me of one of my biggest pet peeves: When people say "Eddie Snowflake will be the answer to a trivia question someday. He was the pitcher who gave up Barry Bonds' record HR". No. He isn't going to be the answer to anything. Yet you hear such things all the time. Whenever a pitcher gives up a record breaking HR, the announcers make the "trivia question" comment. Last night, we were exposed to the aforementioned ticker, as if someone is really going to ask "who was the last person to hit a home run at Yankee Stadium"? You know what my answer to that question will be? A punch to the kidneys.

I am 36 years old. I play games and love trivia. I have NEVER once been asked "Who was the pitcher who gave up Hank Aaron's 715th HR"? While playing trivia, I have not been asked "Who hit the last HR at Veteran's Stadium"? If I have children, do you actually think they will say "Daddy, who was the last person to strike out at Yankee Stadium"? Of course they won't. Because no one cares about any of these things. So why do sportscasters insist that such trivia questions will be asked in the future? Great question. Maybe these are the types of questions that should be asked. Not "who was the last player to steal a base at the Kingdome"?

Movie Preview- "My Best Friend's Girl"

Today is the unofficial Christmas for millions of Americans, as "My Best Friend's Girl" opens nationwide. Here is a quick sneak preview:

Starring Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, and Dane Cook, "Best Friend's Girl" spins a hilarious yarn about love. Jason Biggs has been dating Kate Hudson for a couple of months, and is totally in love. Unfortunately for him, he tries too hard, so Kate feels smothered. She breaks up with him, and tries to move on with her life. Luckilly for Biggs, his best friend is a jerk. You see, Dane Cook has a business. His business is helping lovesick losers get back together with their ex-girlfriends.

Being a total tool in real life makes this job especially easy, and since he is friends with Biggs, he agrees to win Kate back for him. By acting like a jerk towards Kate, she supposedly will want Biggs back, even though he was a jerk, too. Makes sense.

When Cook starts dating Kate somehow (she apparently didn't know Biggs' best friend while they dated), we all know how it will turn out. That's right, SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE JERK HIRED TO OFFEND HER!!! ZOINKS!

She falls for him through a series of pratfalls. While jogging, Dane Cook inexplicably trips over a log or something that was on the trail. She didn't trip, but he does. I guess she finds this cute. She then invites him to a wedding, highly improbable in itself (has anyone EVER invited a first or second date to one of their best friend's weddings?), and while dancing, Dane Cook violently trips over another log, which is on the dance floor for some reason. He is so handsome.

I have NEVER seen anyone trip over anything and fall in my entire life. If someone trips, they might stumble a bit, but no one falls like this. And he does this at least twice in the trailer alone.

And counting his other atrocious movies, Dane Cook trips over stuff about 240 times. Why is this so funny? Stop laughing-you people are killing me. Moving on.

Predictably, Kate finds out about the scam, breaks up with Dane Cook, and Biggs learns a lesson about treating people you love, while also shaving off his eyebrows. We have all seen this a million times before. But unfortunately, since there are approximately 18-20 million morons across our vast nation, this movie is bound to make tons of money and shoot straight to number one. I weep for us, America. I really do.

90210-Episode 3 Summary

Good Egg, Poor Plot

This week, we begin at the Wilson breakfast table where Dad delivers the bad news to Annie- her musical's director is out. Will the show go on? It will now thanks to Drunk Grandma. Thankfully for all of us, she is going to put off writing her memoir to take the position. Also, I guess the high school won't mind having some old lady off the street taking over their signature production.

Looks like Dixon is late to the breakfast table. For a family that needed "bowling night" to bring the family together last week, they sure do have a lot of meals together. While enjoying his Fruit 'N Oats, Dad declares the family is having money issues. Smells like foreshadowing to me.

Next, we have to endure the Naomi Dad cheating storyline. This bores me to tears, so other than this bringing Naomi and her ex back together, which in turn ruins Annie's chances with him, I will move on.

Uh, oh. Looks like Dixon doesn't like paying attention, so he brushes up against a fellow West Beverly student's car while parking. He does $12 worth of damage to the other car's rearview mirror. Because of Dad's earlier speech about money, Dixon decides to forego insurance and pay for this out of his own pocket.

Meanwhile, the ever-popular Annie has to turn down Rich Ty because she already set up a date with Ethan. Methinks someone has bitten off more than she can chew.

On to the musical!! Drunk Grandma is none too pleased with what she sees. They must have 98% of the play perfectly ready to go, as we see the cast rehearse the same awful song several times over the episode. They can't seem to nail this number. Can't blame them, it is horrid.

Needing money to pay for the damage, Dixon applies for a job at the Peach Pit. Nat sits him down, tells him that he once hired a West Beverly student who was a "good, good egg". Way to go, Brandon. Good egg indeed.

Brenda Walsh then seems to clean up the musical mess, and Grandma loses her job. Back to the booze for her (I hope).

Brenda meets with Go Away Already Mr. Matthews, and they discuss song arrangements and Kelly Taylor. He again asks inappropriate questions, gets shot down by Brenda, then later causes a minor rift between her and Kelly. What is his deal? He acts like he has been dating Kelly for several years, yet they have only been out once. From this, we do learn that Dylan is the father of her baby, she is still in love with him, and he thinks helping orphans in Nicaragua is more important than his own son. Well done, Dylan.

Predictably, Annie mucks her dating life up by ditching Ty for Ethan, who stands her up when his mysterious couch-obsessed brother requires his full attention. With Naomi's help, of course.

Finally, Dixon pays off his debt, but working at the Pit has taken its toll. He gets an incomplete on a test, and I assume the lacrosse team is suffering as well. But Annie may have won Ty's heart, as she makes out with him in the hallway. 

That's it for this week. Someone needs to start drinking or drugging soon, my interest is waning.

Thank You Old People....

Who complained about college football games being too long? When they changed several rules last season to quicken the game, it disgusted me. Starting the clock before the snap after change of possession was ridiculous and unnecessary. Thankfully, they changed that rule back, but added some others. Like starting the clock after out of bounds plays. Why? Who was so bothered that games lasted over 3 hours? If you have something else to do that afternoon, go ahead and leave. But why punish the rest of us? Thank you old people, for ruining my life.

Why am I constantly exposed to commercials warning of the 'change' to digital TV next year?

These commercials are ubiquitous fixtures on my TV set, and their dire warnings and thorough instructions make it appear that something big is about to happen. I don't know anyone who still has an analog TV. In fact, I don't know anyone who has had an analog TV in the past 15 years. If you still depend on your analog TV to catch CBS Nightly News each evening, you should be euthanized. So, why is the general public forced to watch these warnings? Thank you old people, for ruining my life.

Why does Hollywood insist on flooding the movie market with Richard Gere romances, and why is Barbra Streisand a millionaire? Who calls the FCC because 'crap' offends them, and "why are you eating a hamburger-it's 10 AM"? Thank you, old people, for your faulty reasoning about why it's so criminal to eat lunch foods before 10, and for ruining my life.

"Collision in the Coliseum"- Nail in my Skull

As great as college football is, there has been a disturbing trend over the past several years-the tendency to overstate every upset and overhype every big game.

Whichever "upset" happened last is of course, the "GREATEST UPSET EVER", and now, with ESPN and ABC, each big game needs to have a moniker. Why? "Collision in the Coliseum" is not only a terrible name, but is completely overwrought and pointless. This isn't a game between the #1 and #2 teams for starters, but even if it was, a title is completely unnecessary as these matchups happen quite frequently.

Most importantly, giving this game a title has encouraged Mike + Mike to create a totally unfunny contest where each week, listeners are encouraged to come up with names for other football contests. This week, they chose Stony Brook-Maine. Hilarous in itself, because c'mon- THOSE TEAMS AREN'T ANY GOOD!! And the e-mails kept coming in, each funnier than the last. "Battle for the Butter"........wait, I can't stop laughing..........OK.

Please stop encouraging these two, America.

Anyway, I also ask that we stop dubbing everything the greatest player/upset/game ever. Last year alone, the incredible Appalachian State upset over Michigan couldn't even hold it's title of "greatest upset ever" (which it was a good candidate for) for more than four weeks before Stanford upsetting USC took the prize. And the yearly debate over who is the "greatest QB ever" is slowly chewing away my brain. There will always be a bigger upset, and the best QB ever is born every year.

Everyone, especially ESPN, needs to tone things down, and enjoy these games and players as they are without feeling the need to overdramatize. So, please try to enjoy this weekend's Ohio State-USC game for what it is, a solid college football game, and not because you cannot miss an event called the "Collision in the Coliseum".

Commercial Failure

Today's aggravating commercial comes to you from Dish Network.

You know the one where Frank Caliendo does a George Bush impression by pretending he doesn't know what apple pie is, pronounces "pause" as "paws-ay", and bumbles around like an idiot.

Too funny, Dish Network. Very timely humor. George Bush is an idiot! Hilarious!

For starters, raise your hand if you think impressions are funny. No? Well, how about Frank Caliendo? Not only is Frank Caliendo among the least talented bums on Earth, he is inexplicably employed by many people. Why is this?

Yes, George Bush tends to fumble speeches sometimes. But he did graduate from Yale, and is the president, so I can safely assume he is 2.7 million times smarter than you, Frank. Not to mention, these jokes have been in play for 8 years now. It's time to move on.

So why do you have a job? Why did you hire him, Dish Network? If you wanted me to never consider your product, well done. Because of these low brow TV spots, I will NEVER consider getting Dish Network. I would rather stare at a blank wall for 6 straight hours.

And I hope America will soon stop encouraging things like this. I am proud of my country, but it is filled with idiots who laugh every time this commercial airs. This saddens me. Anyone who likes these commercials should be thrown in prison, no questions asked. Let's make this happen, America. Thank you.

Episode Summary-90210 Episode 2

Bowling For Attention

Episode two opens with the Wilson family having a very hectic breakfast. As any person older than three can surmise, this over-the-top scene sets us up for the premise of this week's show-family togetherness.

Despite the fact that Dixon and Annie spend over 87% of the show with their parents, it is determined that they need to have a family night to achieve complete togetherness. Looks like Lucky Strike is the venue of choice. And as "luck" would have it, this alley is located on the apparently very popular pier, where most of Annie and Dixon's classmates gather on a typical Friday night. Good thing for these two, as Annie has already set up a date with Mr. Obvious on the pier, and Dixon is just a total bore, so he is up for anything. 

Taking advantage of near homeless Silver, he turns family night into date night, and makes a horrendously basic wager with Silver to spice things up: first to break 100, buys fries. Jackpot. If you can pick up a bowling ball, you can break 100, but apparently, this is hard for these two.

The producers "spared" no expense in filming the bowling action scenes, as we are treated to the same exact shot of pins falling down several times.

For the rest of this summary, I would like to address Kelly Taylor. Why, Kelly? Have you really lost all self worth? Are you missing a few of your senses? Can you see or hear? You are the same Kelly Taylor who dated good-looking rebel punk Dylan McKay, and the Gambler, Brandon Walsh. These guys were fun, had great futures, and had the basic groundwork of a personality. Mr. Matthews is the worst. He is creepy, inappropriate, and a loser. Not only is he weird with his students, he spent the entire episode asking you inappropriate questions about your personal life, followed by making assumptions about ya'lls dating status. Am I missing something, Kelly? If Mr. Matthews was a real person, he would not have made it to 13 years old, because he lacks the basic tools of survival. I hate Mr. Matthews. And you should, too.

OK. The rest of this week's episode was pretty bland other than the final scene which shows Kelly's 4 year old son. Looks like 90210 is up to their old tricks again, as the actor playing this kid is at least 12 years old, and is a spitting image of Steve Sanders. Until next week.

Greatest American Heroes

Who Will Save Us Now?

This week marks the 10 year anniversary of the Mark McGwire-Sammy Sosa home run chase that captured the hearts and minds of every American.

When these two heroes started making headlines as they approached the immortal record of Roger Maris in 1998, America was in a state of turmoil. Race relations were at an all time low after the cancellation of the Cosby Show just 6 years earlier, and US-Caribbean ties were frayed when hurricane relief funds just trickled down to the wind-ravaged Dominican Republic.

We were just two years removed from the Olympic bombing in Atlanta, which inflicted minor injuries on a dozen tourists, and the well-loved 1998 Nagano Winter Games were now a distant memory. On top of all of these problems, abnormally average hot summer temperatures had Americans on edge.

America needed a hero. We got two. Mark McGwire, the lovable teddy bear from California, and Sammy Sosa, the kind slugger from the Dominican Republic arrived on the scene to rescue us. Despite being on different teams, of different races, and from different nations, these two heroes help us through the struggle. As the home runs started to pile up, these two took us on their backs, showing America that people of different races could be friends. They taught us to love people from other nations, and most importantly, they showed us that the results of baseball games were meaningless. It was all about personal accomplishments.

It was a stroke of good fortune that the Cubs and Cardinals would meet that September. The Cardinals were in the heat of a pennant run towards the playoffs, yet when the Cubs were in town, this took a backseat to breaking the hallowed record of Maris. As Sosa and McGwire exchanged home runs, they would embrace like lifelong friends during the game. High-fiving and hugging each other with each backbreaking dinger which could mean McGwire's Cardinals might now miss the playoffs. The game was more to these two than the final score. The game was there to show the press how friendly two players could pretend to be towards each other in the name of world peace. I applaud them.

As most of you know, both of these heroes not only broke Maris' record, they saved America.

Unfortunately, as America was now able to move forward into the future because of them, the press started to betray them. As years passed, allegations of drug use ran rampant, and after the infamous Congressional hearing a few years ago, these two's reputations were forever tarnished. But as an American, I hope time can heal these wounds. I hope America will remember where they were 10 years ago, when Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire were there for them. They were there when no one else was. As a nation, we should take heed to what these gentlemen said during their testimony and follow their own advice. When McGwire repeatedly said "I'm not here to talk about the past", and Sosa proclaimed "I don't speak English", they were quite prescient. Americans should not talk about the past; we need to move forward, and grow as a nation. And if it weren't for the true heroes of the military protecting our freedom, maybe we couldn't speak English, either. We could be speaking German or Japanese, if things turned out differently.

In closing, I hope every American will look back on these gentlemen on this 10 year anniversary, stand up, and give them a round of applause. They deserve it.

Episode Summary-90210 Pilot, Part 2

Eat Sh*t, West Beverly

The second hour opens with Annie and Silver at what appears to be an incredibly dull beach party. Ethan is surfing in the middle of the night for some reason, and Annie is glad she can now apologize for ruining his already ruined relationship. They almost make out, but don't, and Annie heads home for the night.

Looks like West Beverly's rivals did it again, totally destroying the main hall in the high school. Smashing trophy cases, covering the walls with vulgar graffiti, and ripping and tearing everything in sight. All for a lacrosse rivalry. This isn't Syracuse High School, this is West Beverly. I don't even think schools west of Buffalo have lacrosse teams, but when West Beverly and Palisades Hall get together, all bets are off! While waiting for cleanup and repairs for the $1.7 million dollars of damage done by Palisades...oh, wait, West Beverly is back to normal in less than 10 minutes. That was fast.

Dixon and the rest of the lacrosse team vow revenge, but how? While playing a primitive video game circa 1982 with his creepy friend, drunk grandma stumbles in and shares an old family secret: Dad once let a bunch of pigs loose on a rival's lacrosse field. How spicy!

Luckilly, Dixon's creep sidekick has a father in the porn business, which somehow means he has hogs available for pranks.

Meanwhile, Annie is being whisked away to San Francisco for a dinner date with some dude she just met. I smell trouble.

Yep, drunk grandma has been in a terrible accident! And according to Annie's date, Ty, you can't get cell phone messages in flight. Who knew? Thanks, Ty.

When Annie finally arrives at home, drunk grandma is laughing hysterically with Ethan's grandmother in bed. She was in an accident, right? No evidence of this, but it allows Ethan to show up to attempt to woo Annie. Annie sure is popular for a marginally attractive Kansas transplant in rich, attractive Beverly Hills.

Dixon's father discovers his prank, and after some long back-and-forth, he is kicked off the team for the 3rd time. Or is he? I think he is, but maybe there won't be a team anyway? Who knows? Why do I care so much? Where am I?

To wrap things up, there is a throw away scene with Brenda Walsh, Kelly Taylor, and Tata, which could have easily been deleted with no effect on anything, and Dixon and Annie's Mom discovers that her husband has a child with another woman, which she seems to not care about, so I won't either.

That closes the pilot episode. Until next week...

Episode Summary-90210 Pilot, part 1

Are you allowed to say "puss" on national network TV?

The episode opens with our new Brenda and Brandon (Annie and Dixon) in the back seat of a car, presumably on their way to Beverly Hills from Kansas. Several scenes later, it is revealed that Dixon was adopted. This is a highly unlikely and unbelievable hodge podge of a family.
Next, we meet the matriarch of the family, who is drinking a Long Island Iced Tea at 10 am. She is acting completely sober, and after some good-natured ribbing from her son (Annie and Dixon's father), she continues to drink unabated.
The next day, Annie and Dixon head out to their new world-West Beverly High, where every single student drives a $500,000 car to school. Annie soon catches some dude named Ethan getting it on with a random in his truck. Annie knows this guy somehow. We later discover that they met two summers ago or something.
Our first in-class scene shows the incredibly unlikeable Mr. Matthews. He has a snarky comment for everyone. Students come and go when they please, and some unfunny student pulls the old fake cough-make gonnorhea comment under-his-breath routine.
Mr. Matthews continues to make highly inappropriate comments to students, which would get him fired and thrown in prison in the real world. There is however, a clever "what is she, 30"? nod to Andrea during the showing of the Beverly Blaze news program. By the way, what is 90210's obsession with media? Students love working for the school newspaper and the Blaze. Why is this?
Outside West Beverly, we are treated to a drug deal. An aggresive surfer dude offers Adrianna a carved out book with vividly colored pills inside. Is this a random assortment of Tropical Mike + Ike candy? Could be, but the price is high, and Adrianna soon starts a life of crime, Valerie-style.
JACKPOT-A JOE E. TATA SIGHTING!!! Wait-he gets approximately 4 seconds of screen time in the first hour. Shouldn't he have learned to operate a cappuccino machine before opening a coffee shop?
Lacrosse tryouts! Looks like our Dixon is a natural. Those snapshots and extreme slo-mo scenes were excellent. Also, he makes the team after a 9 second tryout. This is followed by a hard-to-comprehend fight scene. Dixon somehow gets kicked off the team at first, followed by some soul searching, lies, and getting put back onto the team.

Mr. Matthews is EVERYWHERE. Go away already.
Nothing much of note happens for the rest of hour one, except I may be in love with Silver and her bad attitude. Although 500,000 views for her blog. Really? Part 2 coming soon.

Looking for Laughs in all the Wrong Places

I love college football. I hate the broadcasting team of Brad Nessler, Bob Griese, and Paul Maguire. During the USC-UVA football broadcast, these clowns laughed so many times I wanted to punch my TV. Someone needs to explain to me why it's uproariously hilarious that USC had 5 defensive players drafted. When Bob Griese said this, Nessler and Maguire laughed uncontrollably, presumably because USC still has good players. WHY IS THIS FUNNY?
Whenever USC made a good tackle or had a long gain on offense, this was also grounds for Nessler to laugh. What am I missing? Why should I laugh when someone talks about how good a team is? Why?

Unfortunately, these are not the only idiots who practice this mantra. Talk radio is littered with hosts who laugh when talking about how good the Patriots were last season, or how dominant the SEC is. Why? Is it hilarious when Russia and it's clearly superior military invades weak Georgia?

When talking about this with your friends did the conversation go like this, "Did you watch CNN last night? Russia has much better weaponry!! (Loud laughter)".

No, of course you didn't, unless you have a stick of butter where your brain should be.

So please, ABC, have a talk with this broadcasting team and explain normal society to them, or have them killed. It is ruining my enjoyment of college football.